Chapter 2 - Masquerading as Adults
What did blue promise over green? Did her eyes conceal a hidden loyalty that was required? Or something I couldn’t provide. A need born out of a loneliness that I couldn’t understand. Destined to swim hopelessly against the inevitable tide of a shared life.
“Do you think it’s possible to have met the right person, even if they don’t know it yet themselves?”
“What?”
“Well as in, suppose there’s some sort of formula that decides who you like and are attracted to. Then surely it would be completely unfair for that person to not feel the same way. The formula must be wrong, since there are two different answers, with nothing to suggest that either of you is wrong.”
“You have lost me, Alice, why are you talking about formulas?”
“Because if that person isn’t the answer, how can you unlearn what you already know?”
“Are these lyrics to a song or something?”
“What? We’re listening to-”
“Are you talking about dating? You didn’t tell me you were dating someone? Who is he?”
“Oh no, no one in particular, just wondering how it could be possible, theoretically. Ignore me, just thinking out loud.” Looking across at her, I saw Annabelle’s interest had already waned, attending to the cigarette she was rolling on her lap instead. Free from any attempt at deciphering any hidden meaning at the same time.
I returned my full attention to driving along the near-empty motorway on the way to my parents’ house. The rain was coming down so ferociously that I could only really see a blur of red lights trailing behind cars ahead. Nearly missing the junction, I swerved into the slip lane, causing some of Annabelle’s tobacco to fly out of the paper into the footwell.
“Alice, what the hell!”
“Sorry, I couldn’t remember the turning.”
“You’ve lived there your whole life.” Annabelle reached into the side pocket for her packet, leaving the mess below.
“I forget the directions from Bristol sometimes, it’s all new to me,” I said, defending myself without much conviction. “You’re not going to smoke that in here, are you?”
“You smoke as well!”
“Yes, but we can hardly see anything as it is, can’t you just wait until we get there?”
“Fine.” She finished rolling, and petulantly folded her hands, looking out of the window away from me.
I continued driving, unworried.
“Is Miles coming this weekend?” She asked, unfolding her arms and turning back towards me.
“Not sure, he didn’t respond before we left, think he might come down at some point tomorrow, though.”
“What about his girlfriend, Lily?”
I kept my eyes glued to the road in front, my hands gripping the steering wheel more tightly as we rounded a sharp bend. The question hung in the air, its meaning concealed within the smoke now snaking out of Annabelle’s cigarette.
“Can you at least open the window a bit,” I pleaded with her.
“But I’ll get wet.”
“A.”
“Fine!” She opened the window a crack, and the dramatic rush of the outside world enveloped us, drowning the music out. Facing the closed window, the cigarette now discarded outside, she repeated her question.
“Yes, she’s coming, I think.”
“Shame.”
“Why’s that a shame?”
“Well it would be more interesting if he was coming alone.”
“He might not come at all.”
“Yeah, but if he did.”
“You were sleeping with one of his best friends, Annabelle.”
“Who, Henry?”
“No, Ralph.”
She started laughing, turning into a spluttery cough. “Can you imagine! No, I’m not with Henry anymore, didn’t you know?”
I smiled out of the corner of my mouth, covering up for my disassociation with our friends’ complicated love lives.
“I’m seeing someone else.”
I didn’t say anything back, feigning full concentration on the road.
“So Miles isn’t coming, but Lily is?”
“Don’t think so, and yes.” I was glad to see the driveway appear through the mist that was slowly replacing the rain.
Annabelle’s protests were then diminished by the door closing, as she begrudgingly pushed the gate open. I sped past her, parking in front of the garage, allowing myself a few seconds of peace before the madness began. I pulled my phone out of the side pocket, unlocking it to the previously bookmarked story of Miles and me.
Hey Alice, I would love to have been there this weekend, but I’m still a bit tired from Freshers
I quickly typed out a response and sent it, before rationality could prevail.
Is it because Lily is coming?
I instantly clicked off the screen, getting out of my car with a sigh of regret. Annabelle was incessantly pulling the lever to open the boot. Then she adopted the sweetest version of herself, the one that received the adulation of all parents, even if I suspected Dad wasn’t fooled. I left her to greet them, heading upstairs to where my bedroom had remained untouched. I sat down at my desk which overlooked the garden that was hidden beneath the mist. The hollow moon trying its best to break through the clouds.
The phone kept lighting up with messages from various group. I ignored them all, waiting for the right one. Then I heard gravel stir, followed by an eruption from Luna, allowing myself to imagine for a moment that it was Miles, in his thick blue overcoat.
When I returned downstairs I saw his girlfriend’s smile instead. She stood beside my parents, sharing a kiss on each of their cheeks. I watched my Mum with Lily’s hand held in hers, lighting up as she asked about all the updates in her life, tuning out when I heard his name. My Dad saw me and instinctively gave me another hug, as I melted into the security of his arms before it commenced.
*
“Did you hear about Katie?” Charlotte asked Annabelle, Freya and I, where we had found ourselves tucked neatly around a corner of the dinner table. Plates of food, barely touched, were strewn across the table, ignored in favour of the bottles of wine that were being rapidly emptied into glasses instead.
“No, what’s she done?” Annabelle asked, leaning in more closely.
“She fucked Alex,” Charlotte replied, in a hushed voice.
“What!” Freya shouted, everyone else staring at our group. “Does Lexi know?”
“Christ knows, but I bet she’ll be pissed off,” Charlotte remarked, laughing to herself.
“He’s not her property,” I said. “I mean he’s slept with half of Badock already,” I added.
“Oh, but I heard about Henry, I’m sorry A,” Charlotte said, lowering her voice sympathetically as she glanced across at him.
Ralph and Henry, who had been quietly discussing something between themselves, pretended not to notice.
“Thanks,” Annabelle said, stealing an undetected look at him.
“Why, what’s happened?” Freya enquired, leaning over my placemat so that I was forced to turn my head and listen to Annabelle complaining about her ex. What she almost always failed to mention was that it was she who had cheated on him first – the detail of the story that was conveniently edited out.
“He’s sleeping with that Isla girl, from Edinburgh. Frankly, he could do a lot better. I don’t care, I’ve started seeing someone new.”
All of the girls gasped and leaned in further, heads clashing together. I peered over Freya’s head to see if Henry had noticed but only Ralph’s eyes darted back and forth a few times.
“His name’s Richard, he’s older.”
“How much older?” Charlotte asked.
“He’s in 3rd year,” she said pointedly in Henry’s direction. “Who’s turn is it to go for a cigarette? I’ll tell you about him outside.”
“You guys go, I need to clear everything up for pudding.”
All three girls stood up, jettisoning to the utility room, where I saw them deliberately selecting the boys’ coats, then parading them outside the window where they had chosen to smoke. Relieved of their presence, I took in my improved view of the weekend I had created.
I inherited a love for dinner parties from my parents, where my brothers and I would sit behind the door, listening intently to conversations we’d pretend to understand. Then we’d hear Dad’s footsteps before he pulled open the door and we’d fall into a heap beside his feet. He would scoop one of us up – usually me – going back to the table, where their friends would speak to us as if I we were one of their own. Now I saw a group of people, only masquerading as adults.
Without the girls there were a few distinct groups remaining. Ralph and Henry were still on their own, with Charlotte and Freya having given up trying to prise a way in. Then there was Lily, who was flanked on either side by my course mate, Jamie, and his friend from school who I didn’t really know.
Jamie was leaning in an overly detectable way to garner her attention, while she showed no inclination to her favourite, taking a neutral stance and turning her head back and forth between the one that was speaking. From where the dimmed light was positioned, the effect was halo-like above her head. She had a polite smile on her face, nodding at appropriate moments, occasionally laughing at something Jamie said. Naïve hope covered his face in turn at the flicker of her blue eyes. I wondered if she had a text from him, waiting for her on her phone, or if it was him who was waiting for her back in halls.
I stood up to clear the plates. Jamie’s friend, Andrew, stood up. I waved my hand at him to sit down but he refused, so we cleared the plates as the girls returned, seemingly unaware of any change, seating themselves back down where they had been before. Andrew’s helpful, yet strange presence made me all too aware of my friends and I felt embarrassed, to the point where I wished he hadn’t been there at all.
He helped me bring pudding over to the table, some accepting bowls for aesthetic purposes. I noticed Annabelle had moved to sit beside Henry, leaving Ralph stranded next to Lily. A disgruntled Jamie returned from the loo to see this and reluctantly came to sit by me. He started talking to me about work until I cut him off with any announcement to ‘sit soft’ next door.
In the commotion I managed to slip upstairs, promising to get a jumper, but invariably being drawn towards my phone. I sifted through the messages that had collected on the screen until I found his tucked below.
What do you mean? She’s my girlfriend.
How’s the weekend though anyway, what’s Jamie’s friend like?
I realised I had stopped breathing because I was being constricted from the inside. I exhaled and started drafting a reply: you never seem that happy with her around that’s all. But each letter was deleted one after the other. Then I put the phone down to think, picking it up in small, passionate bursts. Then I stared out through the window into the mist again, remarking to myself that the garden had just about as much opacity as the internal wiring of Miles’ mind.
What did blue promise over green? Did her eyes conceal a hidden loyalty that was required? Or something I couldn’t provide. A need born out of a loneliness that I couldn’t understand. Destined to swim hopelessly against the inevitable tide of a shared life.
The sound of glass smashing on the kitchen floor brought me back into the room. The texts were still grinning at me on the lit screen, so I quickly texted him back, leaving him – and him to interpret my meaning. Then I switched off the phone and walked downstairs, hearing two muffled voices through the wall. I crept down the final few steps, seeing through a crack in the door, Jamie’s futile advances, expertly rebuffed by Lily.
My name was called from the kitchen, and the pair of them quickly looked across the room to where I had been left stranded. Jamie leapt up from his seat and mumbled something to Lily, who shook her head. Then he closed the gap between us, trying to conceal the disappointment with my name.
Lily remained on the sofa, scratching her cheek, staring vacantly at the fireplace. I led Jamie to temporary safety, where the party had descended into the usual tempo of that time. After a cigarette on my own, I let myself be swept up in the current, until at some point, I found myself in bed, drifting over the ripples of sleep.
*
I awoke to the welcome sight of the sun, creeping through the underside of the blinds. I could see Charlotte sleeping on a futon on the floor as I crossed the landing to the stairs, where Annabelle and Henry were lying together in a tangle of sheets. I sighed, carefully walking down the stairs towards the unique sounds of our home that were rising to greet me.
The mist had lifted, returning the green garden. Steam rose above the hedgerows where the sun had boiled the dew. A couple of brave rabbits stalking the interior of Luna’s lair. The creak on the final step brought her along with it, pleading on the other side of the kitchen door. I rushed towards it, releasing her into a frenzy around my feet. But before I could pick her up, she charged back towards the kitchen.
“And who might that be?” I heard Mum call out.
I walked around the corner into the kitchen but jumped back when I saw him sitting on one of the stools beside the countertop, Luna sitting patiently on his lap. Retreating to the hall, I searched frantically for something to cover my pyjamas up.
Jamie’s friend, Andrew, was where I had assumed my Dad to be.
“Good morning, sweetie,” Mum said, looking over at me from the stove, where she was cracking eggs into a glass bowl. “I was just going to make you all some breakfast if the rabble is close to waking up at all.”
I crossed over to them, cautious of the intruder who had fitted seamlessly into our familial scene.
“Your father has just gone out to buy some bacon, so you two could walk Luna before then, she’s desperate to go out.”
“But no one is up,” I started to protest.
“Your friend, Andrew, is here. Plus it might rain again,” she said, ignoring the acres of blue in the skylight above us. She lightly rested her arm on his shoulder and added, “Andrew was just telling me you hadn’t met before. He tells me he’s studying Medicine up in Newcastle.”
“How functional,” I retorted, smirking at Andrew.
He laughed, stroking Luna, as the dog looked up at him in admiration of his career.
“Well, why don’t you get to know each other better over a walk, poor Andrew is no doubt already bored of me.”
He tried to protest at this, but she waved him off.
“Well only if you’re ok with it?” I said to Andrew, who let Luna jump down to wait in the utility room. “I need to go for a shower, you can borrow some of my brother’s boots, they’re by the door.”
“Thank you, that’s very kind,” he said, getting down from the table. I noticed his shirt was neatly tucked into his trousers. Luna looked to him for assurance as I left the kitchen.
*
I don’t know why, but my hand kept slipping on the buttons of my shirt. Charlotte was still fast asleep on my floor, and Henry and Annabelle were still wrapped in their deceit, together on the landing. Back downstairs, Mum was still busying herself over breakfast, Andrew and Luna waiting patiently by the door.
After the customary remarks about the weather were done, we slipped into listening to the rhythm of our steps.
“Your Mum is lovely,” Andrew suddenly said. “I didn’t think an artist would be so impressed with studying medicine though.”
“She’s obsessed with vocational careers,” I replied absentmindedly, feeling the leaves on the branches of a tree next to us, water droplets still resting on the tops. “Says there’s something romantic about them,”
“What does your Dad do?”
“He’s a publisher.”
“And who do you think you take after most?” he asked.
I turned to see he was staring at me. “That’s quite a deep question, Andrew,” I said, before musing aloud, “But I think my Dad, Mum is too impractical like my brothers.”
“What do they do?”
“They’re ‘in a band’ or that’s how they define it.”
“I’d love to see them play, maybe that could be our second date.”
I felt myself vibrating with laughter. Luna stopped in her tracks, staring at me, before returning to her game.
“Well it can’t be that funny a prospect, can it?” Andrew’s smile was teetering towards a frown.
Doing my best to stifle my laugh, I said, “No, I suppose it wouldn’t, if you don’t mind going to gigs in the back end of pubs in East London.”
“Sounds quite charming.”
“What is our first date, anyway?” I carried on walking, taking a step in front of him where the path had narrowed.
“Meeting your parents, of course, I’m sorry you didn’t realise.”
I felt a tingling feeling in my head, and my jaw was starting to strain from the smile now permanently set. “Oh, so that’s why you were up so early.”
“No, that’s just because I don’t take drugs.”
“Fair enough.” I cleared my throat, trying to think of a way to move the conversation on. “Quite bold of you to be downstairs before anyone else was up. What if my parents were naturists?”
This time he laughed out loud and I felt the warmth of his breath tickling the back of my neck.
“I was going to wait for Jamie, but I think he’s a bit too busy licking his wounds.”
We both nodded in mutual understanding, reaching the end of the loop. I bent down to clip Luna onto her lead.
“Seems a bit unfair that you’ve met my parents and I haven’t met yours though, they might be insane for all I know.”
“Oh they are, I would never let you meet them, not until after the wedding was agreed, of course.” Andrew was by my side again, Luna shuffling up to his side, forcing us to stand so close I could feel the friction of our coats.
“You should know I have high standards for a date – a gig in a pub is not going to cut it.”
“So you’re high maintenance, makes total sense.”
“Hey!” I said, slapping my brother’s jacket. We had reached the front gate by then, and I saw Annabelle and Charlotte smoking outside, the intrigue on their faces beaming towards us. I stalked past them, leaving Andrew to saunter slightly behind, back into the house where Lily had replaced Andrew on the stool by the kitchen countertop.
Andrew arrived at the front door and slipped back into the noise that was steadily building, Henry and Ralph trying to engage with a downtrodden Jamie. I walked over and kissed him on the cheek. But when he saw Andrew walk into the kitchen, I registered the look on his face. I ruffled his hair, and he shot me a sharp look when he noticed Lily looking over at us.
*
In the afternoon, we pretended to play board games with Annabelle continuously asking Henry the rules. The subtext of our walk, conveniently superseded by more important events. I allowed myself to look over at Andrew a few times, trying to reconcile the quietness with the boy I had first met.
*
Jamie and I were the first down for dinner, and we sat outside sharing a cigarette, whilst he bemoaned his ‘timing’ last night. He didn’t mention Andrew, who I admired as he walked into the kitchen, all dressed up.
With my parents at the helm this evening, the dinner was much less disjointed. They glued the table together, regaling us with tales of their youth. We all listened along, trying to relate our own experiences to theirs, unable to match the glamour that 80s parties seemed to hold. Andrew and I somehow found ourselves sat next to each other, deliberately or not, I couldn’t tell. At some point he reached over for the jug of water and caught my eye, smiling back at me with his green eyes.
*
When the weekend reached its end, Andrew and Jamie were the last to go. I tried and failed to find any reason to separate us from the rest of the herd. Then I went upstairs to bed, remembering the phone. I hovered between the bed and the desk, deciding to reach. The tingling returned – a more promising text than before, and I allowed myself to drift into a dream.