Chapter 3 - Two Memories Converging Into Mine
(2,100 words ~5 minutes)
He's now facing my back, so I turn around, letting his hollow dark eyes absorb mine in that way they do.
-
There are two of them there.
One is me, the other concealed within an inebriated blink.
He’s there behind my eyes as I watch his memories like a film,
Until the light starts pouring in.
The morning after, and the cycle repeats.
Frames of another memory taking shape.
In the margins of my conscious mind,
Before the sky goes dark and new cracks begin to show.
The two selves, realised as one.
*
I wake up in the darkness, blinds obscuring the time. I feel for the cord, fighting with it until the blind rises up, a faint hint of day entering my room, the sun having already passed over the block. I sit back in bed to let my eyes adjust, staring at the open wardrobe in front of me. There's a blue shirt hanging loosely on one of the doors, shaded darker on the front than the back. I look down and see light coloured trousers and a tie lying in a pile below.
There's a blurred image sharing my line of sight. I shake my head back and forth to develop it, but it disappears before it can take shape. A closer look around the room reveals a trail of debris leading to the door. A crumpled packet of straights next to the bin and I instantly recognise the lingering taste of tar on my lips. Next to it, a small, clear packet I don't remember buying. Maybe Felix or one of the others came here last night?
I pull myself upright and out of bed, fishing through the pile of clothes for a lighter that might be in the pocket. With the crumpled packet of straights, I head out of the door that is always unlocked, so that by the time I've reached the entrance to the block, I figure it's too late to go back for my key. Instead, I carefully wedge a pebble in between the frame to prevent it from shutting me out.
Outside, I’m hit by the intensity of the sun beating down on the quad – the last day of term. I sit down on the grass verge, staring at Seb's usual spot. It makes me uneasy looking at the vacant steps for too long so I turn around to concentrate on lighting the end of my cigarette that has a tiny rip in the base.
As I squint through the brightness, I see a group of girls sitting in a circle, one who looks faintly familiar. They must notice too, because they all start laughing in my direction, bringing their heads together to conspire. The cigarette fails to light, so I lie back against the natural slope of the grass and close my eyes, watching the fully developed image start to play itself in my head.
*
He's sitting on a chair with his hands behind his back.
A torrid sea of ruffled blue shirts cheering him on.
A glass of something is being held to his lips,
The waves getting louder as a drink slips down his throat.
He can feel something holding his hands behind his back,
As another is brought to his lips.
The sounds become tribal, animalistic,
Before he’s released and it simmers into a hum.
*
My eyes open to a noise coming from behind me. I lift my head to turn and see Miles facing a girl who looks a lot like Lily from the back. I turn around to see the group that is now dispersing across the quad to different blocks. Then footsteps on the pavement coming towards me – sinking into the forgiving grass, hoping not to be seen.
"Alex," Miles’ unmistakable voice calls.
Reluctantly, I heave myself up to standing, just as he reaches the top of the slope, looking down on me.
"You look as though you've had quite the night," Miles says.
My hand reaches to scratch my cheek.
"No judgement from me. I barely remember anything from last night either." He’s smiling at something, like he’s watching his own fonder memory in his mind.
"Were you out?" I ask, pointing in the direction of where the girl had been.
He turns around quickly, following my hand and says, "Yes, we were all there. Well I was with the guys for a bit, but um yeah, it was a shame you couldn't join us for drinks before."
"Sorry, I had a social."
"Are you coming for lunch then? Henry and Ralph are already in town, I think. Have you seen Felix yet?"
I shake my head and Miles nods, his eyes flicking over my block.
"Are you going home today as well?"
"No, I haven't got any of my stuff together, Mum's coming tomorrow morning." Another image is fighting its way to the front of my vision, appearing every time I blink.
"Everything ok?" Miles says, tilting his head to see my face more clearly.
I avoid his eye contact and mutter, "Sorry, still just a bit drunk. What time are we leaving?"
"Twenty minutes, is that ok?"
I nod and walk back to my block, pulling the pebble from between the two doors and carefully placing it beside the flower bed where it had been resting before.
*
He's walking down a long stretch of road now,
Following a large group he must be part.
Cars pass intermittently, flying by in a blur.
He keeps tripping, someone holding him steady on one side.
He feels a tug on his arm and then he's being steered away,
To an empty gap between two brick walls.
The person holding him lets go and he stumbles forward,
His hand coming out to stop him hitting his head against the wall.
Someone thrusts something towards his nose,
Then he falls back, his feet loosening beneath him.
Another key is hovering beneath his nose,
A fizzing pain in his nostril follows.
BANG
*
I open my eyes, sitting at my desk. A cool bead of sweat trickling down the side of my face. I realise the banging is coming from behind the door that is being thumped repeatedly. I go over to open it, standing back to look the intruder in the eye.
"Why's your door locked? You never lock it," Felix says.
I don't answer him, turning to sit back down in my chair and continue tying my shoelaces.
"Something wrong?” He asks, his eyes darting around the room.
“No, just tired,” I reply. “Were you not out last night?”
“Do you not remember?”
“No?”
“You were particularly out of it then, weren't you," he says, stepping into the room and pacing around, pausing by the open wardrobe. He fingers the shirt I was wearing, letting it slip off its place on the door. "You weren't in when I got back," he continues, still examining the pile of clothes on the floor.
"Was I not?" I ask him, turning away, wiping another bead of sweat trying to escape my skin. I pull the collar of my shirt, thinking it might be too warm to wear in summer.
"Do you really not remember anything from last night?"
He's now facing my back, so I turn around, letting his hollow dark eyes absorb mine in that way they do.
"Interesting," he comments to himself, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Miles is waiting for us by the car."
"I just need to-"
Felix leaves before I can finish my sentence, letting the door slam shut. I heave a sigh and tie my shoelaces again. There's something forming but it's too blurred to make out just yet. I stand up, leaving everything as it is, my door unlocked behind me. I cross the grass to Miles' block and on towards the carpark where he’s waiting. Felix isn't with him, so I ask where he is, Miles saying he doesn’t know.
I get in the car to wait, Felix materialising around the side of the building shortly after. He’s saying something to Miles but it's muffled from behind the glass. They both get in and I don't look back at Felix, resting against the back, forcing myself to keep my eyes from closing. The rhythm of the engine bouncing my head back and forth.
We arrive at the restaurant, a pizza place halfway up Whiteladies Road. I get out of the car to see Henry and Ralph stood together outside.
"You look like shit, Alex," Henry says, laughing at me.
I laugh as well, shrugging my shoulders, before embracing each of them.
"Smell like shit as well," Ralph adds, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
“At least he was getting some,” Henry smirks at Ralph.
I look at him, perplexed.
“Do you not remember?” He says, cocking his head. “Fuck me, Alex, how much did you drink.”
“A lot,” is all I reply, trying to remember if there was a girl with me last night or not.
We walk into the restaurant that is half deserted. The waiter rushes from the back of the room to greet us. Miles speaks to her whilst the others find a table to their liking. He winks apologetically and the girl demurs. I order a beer when she comes back, hoping it will settle the persistent headache and stop my hands from shaking. Miles orders tap water, the others just diet cokes.
"So you really don't remember anything?" Felix persists with his line of questioning.
"No, nothing," I respond a bit too sharply. “Must have got home ok, though.”
Felix is nodding to himself, unperturbed. "So, you could have done anything, and you wouldn't know. Someone could have helped you get home.”
"I guess so," is all I can think to say.
Fortunately he loses interest and turns to listen to what Henry is talking to Miles and Ralph about their upcoming trip. I use this as an excuse to go the bathroom, where I sit down in one of the stalls and gently shut my eyes.
*
He stumbles down a flight of stairs,
Flashing lights illuminating his path.
Bodies converging into formless shapes,
Voices drowned by heavy sounds.
There's a few he thinks he recognises,
Briefly coming in and out.
One lingers, brushing his arm and staring,
Two dark holes where eyes could be.
There are others around him as well,
A red and blonde blur below.
Then just a feeling on his lips,
As his eyes shutter to a close.
*
The sound of the dryer startles me. I return to the table without the others noticing, carrying on talking about their plans. I sit passively as Henry and Ralph start entertaining us with a story from last night. I nod along, laughing at the right times, and order more beers, getting steadily drunk. Then we’re settling the bill before Miles asks me if I want a lift home.
“I think I’m going to walk, it’s not far,” I respond.
“Only if you’re sure, I’m going to drop Felix off, since I’m heading over the bridge.”
I don’t reply. Henry is already pulling at the back of Miles’ shirt like an obnoxious child. I say goodbye to the others and start walking up the road, alone.
I can see a figure in front of me, limping up the hill towards the Downs. At first it’s only when I blink, the silhouette of a man. But as I get closer to him, his shadow increases. We pass the shops at the edge of the city together, where it opens up to the expanse of fields. At the traffic lights I’m right behind him, and then I don’t even know.
*
He’s stumbling along the road away from the club,
Each step heavy under his unstable weight.
Past a row of empty shops,
Onto the vast expanse of the Downs.
He manages the crossing, seeing familiar signs of halls,
Making his way along the quad.
Then he slams into a wooden door,
Breaking through the fraying lock.
Only there’s angry sounds around him,
A golden blur in the darkness.
He feels a force into his chest, out into the corridor,
Finding another door that leads to bed.
*
It’s dark now, with no sounds coming from the rooms either side of me – I assume Felix has gone. I reach for the lamp switch, assessing the room that has been frozen in time. The pile of clothes are still there, so I get up to clear it away. But when I pick up the shirt, I see something white poking out under the trousers – a tiny white sock, too small to be mine.